With my teacher-friend walking in solidarity with myself and my former high school’s current students, I began to open up throughout the event. Confidence comes and goes on me, but when I feel anxious, it can stray almost completely. There were absolutely moments during the march I felt anxious and out of place, but I pushed through for the best moments. When we personify the illness, we take blame away from the person struggling and give our understanding that not every person is well enough to make good decisions when they are in deep pain. It’s not a choice to struggle with mental illness or trauma, but we can choose recovery. Like how we say in eating disorder treatment, ED (the eating disorder) is an outside force trying to control us.
I like to think of the damage done by the trauma now and not necessarily all me because it humanizes the person struggling. The trauma I was unable to speak about came out in such destructive ways. I felt as though they’d be happier if I was not around. My friends worked very hard to keep me rooted in the friendships, but most invites I rejected. The wonderful friends I did make along the way I inevitably pushed away because I didn’t feel like I deserved them.
Anxiety held me back from learning valuable social skills and reaching out. The trauma I experienced as a child and teenager silenced me to the point a “hello” was difficult for me to manage.
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